To Further Reduce Their Popularity
Democrats Announce Plan To Drown Kittens
After positioning themselves on the wrong side of virtually every imaginable 80/20 issue, Democrats
at the DNC Summer Meetings struggle to find additional wrong-sided issues to drive their popularity
even lower.
“Coming out against lowering crime rates is a hard act to follow,” said DNC chairman Ken Martin.
“Finding even less-popular positions is proving to be a challenge.”
“But I have faith in our stupidity.”
To continue the free-fall of their poll numbers, Martin states that Democrats look to take a
three-pronged approach: Ineffectiveness, denying the obvious, and adopting extremely unlikeable
policies.
As an example of basic ineffectiveness, Martin points to Gavin Newsom.
“He’s failed to manage the budget, fill fire-prevention reservoirs, clean human feces off sidewalks,
lay any track for their high-speed rail project, reduce homelessness, or end the mass exodus of
people from his state.”
“You have to admire his mindless ineptitude,” said Martin. “He’s got to be our front-runner for 2028.”
“Next, we must continue insisting the public not believe what they can plainly see: The border was
closed, prices were dropping, our riots were ‘mostly peaceful’, Biden was ‘sharp as a tack’.”
“This type of bold-face lying has really cemented our reputation in the cellar.”
Finally, Martin says Democrats need to adopt the wrong side of every conceivable issue.
“We did a good job at taking mind-numbingly stupid positions like defunding police, men in women’s
bathrooms, and supporting terrorists. Now we have to move to the next level, and support things
like drowning kittens, clubbing baby seals, and pushing the elderly in front of buses.”
“And people say Democrats have no ideas.”
“We can’t just keep saying ‘Trump is Hitler’.”
“But we will.”
- The Satirized Evening Post
August 27, 2025